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Monday, May 7, 2012

Flash Fiction - Still

This was originally a piece of fanfiction I wrote a couple of years ago, but I liked it enough to make it something original and mess around with it a bit.


Still

I hold her body gently in my arms, cradling her head against my chest. Her skin is pale and has lost its glow and its warmth. How can something so beautiful be so cold? Even her lips, once pressed against mine, are like ice. The steady rise and fall of her chest is gone. Her body is completely still in my arms. I feel a tear travel down my cheek and fall away from my face. I hold her to me, tightly; the only thing I can do. My heart keeps beating, but hers... it stays still. When they pull her body from my arms and take her away, my heart breaks. I had promised her father I would protect her, and in that I have failed.
I promise myself that night I will never fall in love again; that my heart, much like hers, will remain still forever.


150 words, first person, present tense ("promised" being the exception because he's referring to something he's already done). What do you guys think? Compliments and constructive criticism welcome :) 

- Bonnee. 

13 comments:

  1. I like it. I'm big on repetition in this sort of work, and I like the repeated use of 'still' throughout. But you may want to consider changing one of the 'promised/promise' to something else. Or maybe even shorten that last line: "I will never fall in love again; my heart, like hers, will remain still forever." I think that would give it more power.

    One spot that threw me: the phrase 'once pressed againt mine'. I can't quite get a handle on it, whether that's supposed to be a past tense thing like 'her eyes, once bright, are now dull' or a present tense thing, like he's kissing her NOW and discovering her lips are cold. Maybe that's just me, but I have trouble with it. But, as I said, I enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing.

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    1. I agree with the "promise" thing. (If you will excuse such an ambiguous word!!) as well as the rest of your comment.
      The wording throughout communicated the idea and feeling of death extremely well. "When they pull her body from my arms and take her away, my heart breaks." I had a hard time reconciling the tense of this with the rest of the poem, especially the final "promise." Very excellent though!! This entire piece reminds me of Russian soul poetry. Maybe you have roots from here!! Lol

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    2. @JeffO, I'd adjusted that last line, and I think I quite agree; much more powerful now, and it doesn't conflict so much with where I've used "promised" in the sentence before. "once pressed against mine" was supposed to be a past tense thing, sorry, I'll see what I can do to make that a little clearer. Then again, the ambiguity could work either way. Glad you enjoyed it and thank you for the feedback! :)

      @running4him, lets say that the final sentence now reads "I will never fall in love again; that much heart, much like hers, will remain still forever." With that taken into consideration, what do you think I should change to help you reconcile the tense? Examples are much appreciated. I'm glad you enjoyed it, and now I feel compelled to read some Russian soul poetry.

      Thank you both for the comments! :)

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    3. No problems!! Reads great!! BTW, Italian is awesome!! You should study it some, it is very easy as languages go. I have not ever studied Italian very much at all, but I can understand a little because it is so similar to Romanian. ;)

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    4. It's on my to-do list. :)

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  2. Nice and interesting, why she died in his arms. I think that it should be ..."I feel a tear traveling down my cheek and falling away from my face."

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    1. Adjustment made, thank you for the feedback! :)

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  3. Sorry for the comparison, but that reminds me of Robert Smith. I'm not criticizing; this is supposed to be a compliment, since I really like what you wrote. I just mentioned him because I think he's very deep in his lyrics. I think you were deep too. :)

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    1. The comparison is more than welcome, thank you friend! I'm flattered. :)

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  4. I really liked the whole thing, Bonnee. Beginning to end.

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    1. Glad to hear it, thank you so much, Rick!

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  5. Wow Nice text !! :) Like it. (Youpee I can read a little more than before english !)
    xx
    Morgane

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    1. I'm glad you liked it Morgane :)

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