It was warm inside the Training House. The room was large, with tables and chairs against one wall. A stone fireplace crackled with life at the far end of the room. The three children walked into the changing rooms at the back of the building where they put their training gear on. Their uniforms were white, but Chihiro’s uniform had a golden insignia of an Evergreen Tree sewn into its back and on its breast, signifying that she was a Master of the Arts, just like Master Yuusan. Her siblings were still only students. The last parts of their uniforms were their belts: all black.Feel free to give me more feedback!
Question: Should I workshop snippets of my manuscript on my blog again? What do you all think?
In other news, I won a free signed book, which I think is pretty cool: Love-Shy, by Lili Wilkinson. I read a snippet of it on her blog which I enjoyed and I am looking forward to reading more!
Last up, I finally finished reading The Rugmaker of Mazar-e-Sharif by Najaf Mazari and Robert Hillman, which I am studying in English this term. And I am now a quarter of the way through a screenplay which I am studying in literature: Bastard Boys by Sue Smith.
And just because I managed to edit another three pages of my manuscript since the last blog post (good effort, I know right?), here are the last few characters who I managed to visually create using THIS programme.
Madam Koi: This is the closest I could make her. Her hair is meant to be really crazy! But otherwise, this is pretty cool. I love the way I was able to make her eyes.
The Witch of the White Lands: Again, best impression, but I'm quite pleased with it. The programme didn't offer black lips though.
The Witch of Thorns: I can't complain that much about this one. She's not that big of a character in A Fallen Star, but I do plan on making a sequel in which she plays a much bigger role. I just thought I'd make her too because the programme wouldn't let me make male characters and I was really bored.
Enjoy!
- Bonnee.
Posts
I can definitely see the improvement in this extract, so well done with that! I think you should post more extracts. Not only is it great to get feedback, but it can make you see your work from different perspectives - sometimes that can be invaluable. It's also nice to see more about your characters!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you agree the extract is better yet again. I quite enjoyed getting feedback and making adjustments to it, and seeing something from a new perspective is always good! :)
DeleteHmm...it's decent description. It's a bit plain, and I think the first three sentences could be split off and expanded into a more expansive paragraph. but I like how the words "crackle" and "sewn" are used.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, that anime designing program looks interesting! I'll check it out.
I didn't want to lead the reader into thinking anything in those first three sentences was of a greater importance than they really are.
DeleteDefinitely check out the programme, it's so good :)
@ Bonnee: Elmo is a Spam, er I mean a fan favorite in our house :) (my reply to your EuroDisney comment.
ReplyDeletePS... keep doing what you're doing... writing, asking for help/suggestions...
My only suggestion on the sample would be to lose the "that" and try not to finish with a preposition ("on.")
Otherwise, great job and that program is pretty cool, I must say :)
Thank you for both of these suggestions, I've fixed that up now! It took me about three reads to locate the word "that"... haha :)
DeleteMark is right about "on". You should change it to (where they put on their training gears).
ReplyDeleteYou might want to replace (breast) with (chest).
Eliminate the last sentence about the belts. Insert the belts earlier like this (Their uniforms were white, with black belts, but Chihrio's uniform ..)
You can put very short parts from the novel, like you did today. But avoid putting parts that reveal the story. Many publishers are against it. I told you about KidLit.com by Mary Kole. Search there for her article "Should I post my work on line?" or something like this.
DeviantArt program is not good. Very limited in what you can do. For a free place with better selection for faces and clothes for women and men go to
http://avatars.yahoo.com/
But first create two Yahoo mail account. One as a female and one as a male, so that you can do Avatars for females and for males. In a blog that I follow they display an illustrator from Australia. You want to connect to him?
Good luck!
I took Mark's advice and have changed it to what you suggest before I read the comment! Glad to see we think alike :)
DeleteI personally think I prefer breast to chest, but I'll keep the suggestion at the back of my mind. ANYONE ELSE GOT THOUGHTS ON THAT ONE?!
NO NO NO, :D I'll let you in on a secret here; there are another 3 and a half sentences to the paragraph, and the part about the belts is at the end with the purpose of leading into the following scene. I hope that justifies my refusal, but if it weren't for that I'd have to agree with you.
I figured and had already decided that if I were to post more excerpts, I'd steer clear of major plot-spoilers. I'll check out the article.
Generating images is mostly to help me think and for fun, so I'm not too bothered by the limitations of the programme, thank you for this new link though, and I'll get back to you about the Aussie illustrator if I become serious about images. :D
Thanks so much, per usual!
I love the way we aspiring writers check up on each other's blogs. Good luck from California!
ReplyDeleteThanks love! We're a bunch that has to stick together and give each other a kick in the bum when necessary. Best of luck to you from Down Under.
DeleteThanks mate, you too :) Cheers.
ReplyDelete