Workshop Result

After reading the criticism I asked for the other week on a massage I shared, I reworked the excerpt with everything in mind, picking out what I agreed and disagreed on changing. It's safe to say that I am much more satisfied with this short piece now. So a big thank you to everyone who gave me feedback! Though there were some points I had to disagree on because it clashed with style, etc, your input was much appreciated and a great help!

They walked back, around the perimeter of the school. The rain had let up and sunlight was breaking through the clouds, reflecting off puddles and the wet cement beneath their feet. Between the tall buildings and meticulously planted trees, the walls surrounding the city stared at them: a constant reminder of the too-structured society which smothered them: the same society that kept them safe from the dangers of the outside world; dangers that his father was causing, dangers that her father was fighting. 

Now I'd like to ask for everyone to look at it again. There are a couple of specifics I want to ask you about.

1) The second sentence. 'The rain had let up and sunlight was breaking through the clouds, reflecting off puddles and the wet cement beneath their feet.' I still think this is a little choppy, especially after the comma. What do you guys think? Do you agree or disagree? Any suggestions? Throw them at me :)

2) In the original excerpt, Giora pointed out that my last sentence was too long. I agreed. But in editing, I've only been able to make it longer. Now I'm reluctant to shorten it again, but I feel it is necessary. I've used two colons and a semi-colon to break it up though, so I'm not sure if I'm just being too critical or whether I'm right in feeling this need to change it. Reading it, I love the way it reads. I just don't feel comfortable with the length. I'm considering breaking it into a second sentence at the colon '...which smothered them: the same society...' and simply playing around with words to start the new sentence properly. What do people out there suggest?

If there are any other points of criticism you'd like to bring up, please feel free, though I'd appreciate new stuff rather than a repetition of comments from the previous entry.

Any snippets you'd like to share?

- Bonnee.

Excerpt Workshop! Please Leave Criticism

With a lack of anything else to post, I decided a little bit of work-shopping would be fun. So here's an excerpt from a fanfiction I'm working on, which I would like to turn into an original piece. This particular segment is one of my favourites, but I think it could be much improved on. While there is a lot I would like to add after doing a bit of world-building and turning the whole thing into my own story, I wanted to hear what people out there thought. So tell me, what do you like, what don't you like, what should I keep, scrap and maybe even add? Tear it apart! Go! 

They walked back to the school and around the perimeter of the grounds. The rain had let up and sunlight was starting to break through the clouds. Between the tall buildings and carefully planted trees, the walls surrounding the city peeked at them; a constant reminder of the too-structured society keeping them safe from the dangers of the outside world; dangers that his father was causing, and dangers that her father was fighting against. 

Have you guys got a particular passage from your current WIP that you love, but you would like to see made better? Feel free to share it in the comments below (keep it short-ish) and I'll happily read and give criticism in return. Inviting all bloggers to take part in criticizing my excerpt and the excerpts of others who post in the comments! Or if you'd like to do something like this in your own blogpost, just let me know and I'll pop over and take a look.

- Bonnee.

To Write, or Not to Write?

That is the question. I may have recently watched an episode of Dr Who where The Doctor and Martha go back to when Shakespeare was alive. Good episode :)

ANYWAY! I will finish editing 'Evergreen'. I have the last seven chapters to go. And my little proofreader, Shaun, has already read over the thirty I've already done. I promise I'll get it done, and write up queries and start sending them out to agents...

But I may have started writing a new story. Yes. I definitely started writing a new story. Thursday two weeks ago. I'm such a terrible person, putting 'Evergreen'  aside again. But I had an idea, and I needed to get it down on paper, so I though I'd start writing... and I did, and now I'm probably about half-way through the fourth chapter. We'll refer to this new project as 'Katherine', though I'm not satisfied with the title being the name of the protagonist. I'll let you know if/when I think of something better.

Aside from the three and a half chapters I have written for 'Katherine' I've also written a synopsis (my way of planning, at least for now), and I may have started a character profile thing which I probably won't complete. This isn't going to be as complicated as 'Evergreen' was. Much to Shaun's disappointment, 'Katherine' is just a straight out YA: no fantasy. I don't know if I'd class it any more specifically than YA. There's a girl with some relatively normal teenager issues, and some issues that are a little less common. A lot of family and friendship orientated stuff, maybe a splash of romance, among other things. That's about all I can say for now without giving away too much.

But just for you guys, here's my opening sentence. Tell me what you think after reading it. Feel free to give suggestions and whatnot. Thank you in advance.

Katherine gazed out of the passenger window as the car rolled into the driveway of the new house; the seventh new house she’d moved to since she’d started high-school three years ago.

 Anyone else want to share the first line of their WiP while we're here?

- Bonnee.  

This and That About My Writing

First up, here's the most current version of the excerpt I posted from my manuscript a couple of posts ago, after a few people gave me some good feedback:

It was warm inside the Training House. The room was large, with tables and chairs against one wall. A stone fireplace crackled with life at the far end of the room. The three children walked into the changing rooms at the back of the building where they put their training gear on. Their uniforms were white, but Chihiro’s uniform had a golden insignia of an Evergreen Tree sewn into its back and on its breast, signifying that she was a Master of the Arts, just like Master Yuusan. Her siblings were still only students. The last parts of their uniforms were their belts: all black.

Feel free to give me more feedback!

Question: Should I workshop snippets of my manuscript on my blog again? What do you all think?

In other news, I won a free signed book, which I think is pretty cool: Love-Shy, by Lili Wilkinson. I read a snippet of it on her blog which I enjoyed and I am looking forward to reading more!

Last up, I finally finished reading The Rugmaker of Mazar-e-Sharif by Najaf Mazari and Robert Hillman, which I am studying in English this term. And I am now a quarter of the way through a screenplay which I am studying in literature: Bastard Boys by Sue Smith.

And just because I managed to edit another three pages of my manuscript since the last blog post (good effort, I know right?), here are the last few characters who I managed to visually create using THIS programme.

Madam Koi: This is the closest I could make her. Her hair is meant to be really crazy! But otherwise, this is pretty cool. I love the way I was able to make her eyes.

The Witch of the White Lands: Again, best impression, but I'm quite pleased with it. The programme didn't offer black lips though.

The Witch of Thorns: I can't complain that much about this one. She's not that big of a character in A Fallen Star, but I do plan on making a sequel in which she plays a much bigger role. I just thought I'd make her too because the programme wouldn't let me make male characters and I was really bored.







Enjoy!

- Bonnee.

Apparent Link and the Lucky 7 Game

First of all, this is the link I was given for my short story 'Walking to the Shop', which was recently published in an online magazine (see previous blog entry for more details):  http://digital.spineout.com.au/#folio=5

For some reason, the 5 keeps changing to a 1 when I open the link and I keep getting a message saying 'Undefined'. When I try accessing it through the spineout.com.au site, it comes up with a message saying 'Your session has expired. Please login.' I wouldn't mind so much if there was a login/create account page. If anyone can figure this out for me with some mad computer or hacking skills (or skillz, whichever you dawgs prefer) that would be great :) 

IN OTHER NEWS! I was just reading from Elizabeth Norris's blog where she talks about the Lucky 7 Game, which is apparently going around writer circles at the moment. I thought I'd try it out for myself :) 

What to do: 

1. Go to the seventh or seventy-seventh page of your WIP.
2. Count down seven lines.
3. Copy the seven sentences that follow and post them.
4. Tag seven other authors.  (I don't think there are 7 authors who come to this blog often enough for me to do this part, so whoever wants to try it can try it!) 

This excerpt is from page 7 of Evergreen: A Fallen Star, which I still consider a WIP because it's still being edited. Please note that this passage may be subject to change. 

It was warm inside the Training House. The room they stood in was large and had only a few tables lined up against one of the walls and some chairs stacked beside them. A stone fireplace crackled with life at the far end of the room. The three children walked into the changing rooms at the back of the building where they put their training gear on. Their uniforms were white, but Chihiro’s uniform had a golden insignia of an Evergreen Tree sewn into its back and on its breast, signifying that she was a Master of the Arts, just like Master Yuusan. Her siblings were still only students. The last part of their uniforms were their belts; all black. 

I'll admit now that this was originally one of the passages I liked least, and although I've done lots of work on it (it was a lot longer than this at first) I'm still not 100% satisfied with it. I'd love to hear your opinions here, any criticism is more than welcome. Just to show you what I'm talking about, here is the same passage from the first draft (yes, I still have the first draft which was completed in 2009. What of it?)

It was toasty inside the Training House. The room they stood in was large and had only a few tables lined up against one of the walls and some chairs folded up beside them. A fire place with a safety guard crackled with life at the far end of the room, keeping it warm. There was a door on either side of the back wall, leading into change-rooms. The teenagers and their little sister headed for those doors, Chihiro and Sakura to the left door and Zutto to the right, crossing the smooth wooden floor as they went.
Inside the change-rooms, they all went to their lockers. Chihiro was locker number four. Sakura had the twelfth locker and in the boys change room, Zutto had the ninth. A uniform for each of them was locked inside their locker, shirt and pants of orange with blue collars. Well, Sakura and Zutto had a blue collar, but Chihiro’s collar was golden. A gold collar symbolized that they were Master Students of the Training House – a Master of Kung Fu. Sakura and Zutto were not yet Masters. When they became Masters, they would be presented with a new shirt with a golden collar.
Quickly, the three of them got changed from their day clothes into their uniforms. The last thing they pulled out of their lockers was their belts – all black.

Your thoughts? Which version did YOU like better? What should I still be changing? Would you guys be interested in seeing some more old draft/current draft comparisons like this? Because I might be interested in doing it.

Once again, CRITIQUE PLEASE!

- Bonnee.

Evergreen: A Fallen Star

This blog will be about my novel. Includes: Previews/snippets from the novel, about setting, and main character bios. 

"The autumn breeze was sweet and refreshing on the skin of the three siblings who came dashing out into the gardens that early morning. The air was pleasantly icy, and its sweetness came from the Evergreens, the fruit trees and the exotic flowers. There was frost on the grass, telling them that winter was approaching fast, and would arrive before autumn’s end. The frost was disturbed as they raced into the gardens." 

(Opening paragraph from the novel.) 

What is 'Evergreen' about?

Very briefly, three kids saving the world. 

Not quite so briefly, but still briefly, 'Evergreen' is about three teenagers, brothers and sisters, who embark on a journey to save the life-source of their world, after a fortuneteller shares a prophecy revealing them to be the ones destine to be the heroes. 

"‘Ebony wings of a nightingale

Soft, black feathers of a nightingale

Sweet, sad song of a nightingale

My dear angel, nightingale…’"

(The siblings' childhood lullaby, Verse 1.)

So... Where is this novel set?

'Evergreen' is set in an alternative universe where the Imperial Family reigns over the peaceful and prosperous Middle Kingdom. The Middle Kingdom is full of life which is given and protected by the sacred Evergreen Trees; the life-source of the entire Kingdom. The Middle Kingdom is a heavily Asian (particularly Japanese) inspired place. 

"‘Delicate wings of a sparrow

Soft, brown body of a sparrow

Sweet, sad flight of a sparrow

My dear angel, sparrow…’"

(The siblings' childhood lullaby, Verse 2.)

Who are these characters anyway? What are their names?

For this, I'll give you a bit of a character bio for the main protagonists and antagonists.

First up, the good guys!

Chihiro: The 19-year-old older sister of the Imperial siblings. Chihiro is a motherly figure for her younger brother and sister and an understanding, thoughtful friend whom they confide in and often receive good advice from. She is strong willed, influential, intelligent and the immediate heir to the Imperial Throne providing she marries before the responsibility is passed down. 

Zutto: The middle child of 16. He is quiet and pessimistic and doesn't choose to socialize with anyone beyond his two sisters. Chihiro is his trustworthy best friend, and he would do anything to keep his precious little sister safe. If Chihiro hasn't married by the time the responsibilities of the throne are ready to be passed down, it will be his place to step up. 

Sakura: The youngest of the three who turns 13 early into the story. Sakura is still very childish and has never expected the responsibilities of the throne to end up falling on her, and therefore does not act so level-headed and responsible as her two older siblings do. She looks up to them and depends on them. Zutto is her best friend and his opinion is most important to her. 

"“Colourful wings of a butterfly

Soft, black body of a butterfly

Sweet, sad flutter of a butterfly

My dear angel, butterfly…”"

(The siblings' childhood lullaby, Verse 3.)

And now for the bad guys!

The Witch of the White Lands: This evil and ancient woman has been waiting thousands of years to take her revenge on the human race for the injustice they did her by rejecting her dark magic and therefore rejecting everything she was. She can feel when the Evergreen Trees begin to fail and her aim is to use the Middle Kingdom's crisis to her advantage. But to achieve this, she has to get past the Imperial Children, and to save the world, they have to get past her. 

The Witch of Thorns: The Witch of the White Lands's twin sister who lives in another realm of their universe; the same realm in which the Imperial Children will find the answer to their crisis. 

"“Nightingale, sparrow, butterfly

Far from home where they will fly

Up the mountain to a better place

Where the enemy will not show her face

As they’re searching for a star

Back home we wonder where they are

And hope they come back to us in time

Before I sing my final rhyme

Nightingale, sparrow; fly on home

My dear butterfly, cease to roam

Time is short so come home soon

Before our Kingdom meets its doom…”"

(The fortune-teller's prophecy.)

So tell me, my audience...

What do you think of the previews I slipped in there? What do you think of my setting and my characters? Are you interested in my novel yet? 

Any questions? 

Leave me a comment if you read this, anonymous comments are welcome. 

- Bonnee.