Excerpt Workshop! Please Leave Criticism

With a lack of anything else to post, I decided a little bit of work-shopping would be fun. So here's an excerpt from a fanfiction I'm working on, which I would like to turn into an original piece. This particular segment is one of my favourites, but I think it could be much improved on. While there is a lot I would like to add after doing a bit of world-building and turning the whole thing into my own story, I wanted to hear what people out there thought. So tell me, what do you like, what don't you like, what should I keep, scrap and maybe even add? Tear it apart! Go! 

They walked back to the school and around the perimeter of the grounds. The rain had let up and sunlight was starting to break through the clouds. Between the tall buildings and carefully planted trees, the walls surrounding the city peeked at them; a constant reminder of the too-structured society keeping them safe from the dangers of the outside world; dangers that his father was causing, and dangers that her father was fighting against. 

Have you guys got a particular passage from your current WIP that you love, but you would like to see made better? Feel free to share it in the comments below (keep it short-ish) and I'll happily read and give criticism in return. Inviting all bloggers to take part in criticizing my excerpt and the excerpts of others who post in the comments! Or if you'd like to do something like this in your own blogpost, just let me know and I'll pop over and take a look.

- Bonnee.

School, University, Writing: Update!

So I figured that, because I pretty much disappeared off the face of the earth for the past little while, I ought to give you a run-down on what's been happening on my end.

It's the last week of term, and then I'll have a two week holiday (in which I am required to attend practice exams at school and commit myself to a lot of private study) and then two more weeks of classes before, boom, it's over. My first exam is on November 1st. So I'm studying up and I'm going to have to read over the texts I'm writing on for my English and Literature exams. But that's okay, I'm happy. It's just scary and stressful, but I know that I can do this.

But then come my applications for university next year. I've been saying I'll do the Bachelor of Professional Communications and Diploma of Professional Writing and Editing and my mum really wants me to do it because it's closer to home than most other things I've been looking at, and my auntie lives close to the campus so I can stay with her (not likely, I'm not staying in a household with two of the most out of control kids to ever exist..). But I've been looking more closely at the other courses I've got on my list, and I want to do Bachelor of Arts (Professional and Creative Writing) more.  Problem? Apparently so, because it's "too far away from home". Well, I like this course more, I can actually major in what I want to major in (editing) and I WANT to move to the city, even if it is away from home. *sigh* Family dramas...

On a more positive note: I've written some more on Katherine. Slow and steady wins the race: I have eight or so chapters with word-counts around the 1000-2000 mark. Study comes before writing at the moment, but I really want to finish it in time to submit to a Novella competition my teacher gave me info about. Hopefully I don't overshoot the 20,000 word limit...

Meanwhile, a fanfiction I've been working on over at my Fanfiction.Net account is going well, and I'm thinking of transforming it into an original (it already basically is, I'm just using the characters to my favourite T.V show instead of making some up).

I've also made a pretty big decision about Evergreen. I'm putting it on hold for now. No matter what university course I choose, I'm going to improve my writing and editing skills. Evergreen needs a lot of work, and there is a lot I want to change, add and take out. I'd like to get those skills under my belt before I cause any damage. My mind is racing with ideas and I want to make this manuscript the best it can be before I throw it to the sharks at an agency. So wish me luck.

So that's my run-down. What's everyone else been up to lately? I apologize for not reading other people's blogs lately, I'll come back to you all soon. But please do expect an inconsistency in my attention to Blogger until after my exams.

- Bonnee.

Rainbow Books

I actually really, really, HATE highlighting, annotating or otherwise making a mark in a book that I've read or am reading. I feel like I'm degrading the author's masterpiece and destroying something that was perfect every time I do such a thing. But for the sake of my own education, my copy of Twelve Angry Men by Reginald Rose has been transformed into a rainbow, because SOMEBODY decided not to give the character's names, which wouldn't bother me so much if it weren't for the fact that I need to write a text response on this book later this month, which means I have to know which character said what. Colour-coded jurors for the win!!!

I'm just saying, 11th Juror is awesome.

10th Juror: Bright? He's a common ignorant slob. He don't even speak good English.
11th Juror: Doesn't even speak good English. 

Aah the irony of the German immigrant having better English skills than everybody else.

11th Juror: I beg pardon...
7th Juror: "I beg pardon?" What are you so polite about?
11th Juror: For the same reason you are not: it's the way I was brought up. 

Owned :)

I like this play, if you couldn't tell.

What are your thoughts on making markings in a book? I want to shoot myself a little more every time I do it. How does it make you feel? 

- Bonnee.

P.S - Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there!